just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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