Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
