Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
