If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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