last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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