Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
