Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
