I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
