and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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