So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
