There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
