I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize