i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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