At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
