The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
