The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
