Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My breasts were aching with rage.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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