got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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