Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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