My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
