If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
