It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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