Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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