This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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