Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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