First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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