Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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