I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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