I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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