Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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