Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
