***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
