I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
