mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
