I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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