Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize