Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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