I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
