No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize