my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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