Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
