yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
