Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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