Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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