so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I want to make a zoo with you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
