The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i've created a new STD.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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