I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
