4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
