im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
