My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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