Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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