things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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