You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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