I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
