Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
