They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
