The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize