i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
