I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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