just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
