i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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