is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
