I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
