when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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