My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
